My worries were interrupted by the ringing of my cell phone. It was my husband calling from work, the words from him confirming my fears and shattered my world into pieces. He held in his hands a letter that was informing him that his post was now redundant and he would no longer be needed at his workplace.
This would be the beginning of what I would call a very dark time in my life. It would lead to where I felt my faith was running on fumes and that there was no light at the end of the tunnel after all.
Life experiences leave wounds that influence our perception of God and drains our faith. It takes us right back to the Garden of Eden where we stand with our sister Eve as she too faces a moment when she becomes convinced that God must be holding out on her and she takes matters into her own hands.
“You won’t die!” the serpent replied to the woman. “God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil.”
The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too.” Genesis 3: 4-7
Eve was convinced.
“Convinced that God was holding out on her. Convinced that she could not trust his heart toward her. Convinced that in order to have the best possible life, she must take matters into her own hands.”John & Stasi Eldredge, Captivating
When I read these words it was a perfect description of the place that I stood many times during the dark stormy nights of the soul.
Struggling to believe that God did have a “plan and a purpose” for my life, and yet the questions that lingered, “Does He even care?” I must admit that I didn’t get here overnight. It was a slow decline, I started off with a tank full. I did everything I could. Fasted. Prayed. Wept. Pleaded. Confessed. Quoted Scripture. Kept a journal. Yet, the blows kept coming. In the midst of all this, I lost my father to cancer.
That season inflicted deep wounds that recited vows to my bleeding heart. These vows would end up shaping my life for many years. They would cause me to take matters into my own hand and light my own fire as I share in my devotional, Words Unfolded. These vows would cause me to go into hiding.
“We women hide. We hide behind our makeup. We hide behind our humor. We hide with angry silences and withdrawals. We hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted, what is safe. We hide because we are afraid. We have been wounded and wounded deeply. To hide means to remain safe, to hurt less.” John & Stasi Eldredge, CaptivatingJohn & Stasi Eldredge, Captivating
To be good at playing hide and seek, you’ve got to be super great at choosing the right spots to hide, the unlikeliest of places. It’s usually cramped, dark, and quiet. There is no beauty in hiding, there is no light in hiding. This is not how God intends for it to be.
We are meant for so much more.
Jesus said, “You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house.”Matthew 5:14-15
Sis, the hiding will only end when we reach out and grab the hand of the Savior who waits for us to surrender our tired, broken hearts to Him. When we say ‘yes’ to His plan. He draws us out into His light and love. He is a mender of broken hearts and He can help us rewrite the vows we made that no longer serves us.
Arise and shine Sis, your light has come. It’s time to come out of hiding.